LIST: The Best Horror Films of 2014 (and a Few Bad Ones Too)

Going by USA wide release dates.  Is that America-centric?  Deal with it, 'cause I can do what I want, 'cause I live in America, the land of opportunity and hot dogs and chain Chinese food, stretching from the shores of Nova Scotia to the whale tank of Seaworld San Diego.  You don't like it, get out.  Live free or die.  These colors don't run.

Also, if you see a number like [1.5] or [3.5], that means the film in question, while not horror, is definitely a film I tink horror fans would enjoy for one reason or another.  Yes, I'm indulging myself.

America.

Rock, flag, and eagle.

From the worst to the best...

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17. Ouija

Make a great horror film or make a shit horror film.  Take the biggest risks you can.  Do anything to make an impression, even if it's the worst impression.  Sing from your fucking heart.  Better to be a Troll 2 or a Plan 9 than Ouija, the most basic, uninspired, dispassionate horror film I can imagine, shy of sticking a camera in front of the script and letting the audience read the Courier 12 font page by page.  The monster design here steals that snake-jaw effect put to such "horrifying" use in The Mummy and Van Helsing.  The kids in the film exist purely to communicate plot information.  Deaths occur when expected, neutered for PG-13, and twists notch into place like the great gears of a clock with no face or bells.  There is nothing here.  Not a story, not a character, not a style.  Each frame is a placeholder that says "Movie not available."

RATING: F

16. I, Frankenstein

I, Frankenstein, as barren on a story level as Ouija, compensates by overstuffing itself with gargoyles and demons and Bill Nighy (evoking late-career Donald Pleasance) and a Monster (Aaron Eckhart) who must be gelling his hair between hell-battles.  Mounted by the team behind Underworld, Eckhart's Adam Frankenstein (yep) says there's a centuries-old supernatural war that humans don't know about, just like Kate Beckinsale said in Underworld.  Of course, Beckinsale just repeated what Wesley Snipes grumbled in Blade.  If you remember, Snipes delivered his "secret war" bit to a lady-doctor rescued from a villain's "dragon," and Eckhart gives his "secret war" shpiel to a lady-doctor rescued from the villain's "dragon."  Said villain (Nighy) wants the secret of Frankenstein's resurrection to revivify a huge chamber full of dead bodies, i.e. the plot to Van Helsing, a film I've mentioned twice now and would love to never think about again.

RATING: D

15. The Pyramid

(note: image from FilmIreland's review)

An Egyptian three-sided pyramid 250 miles south of Giza?  Awesome!  Loaded with death traps and mutant rats and a maze of hallways that evoke the mythical Labyrinth?  Hell yes!  Found-footage style that limits our ability to enjoy the sights?  Ya-- ah, oh, wait, goddamnit.  Weirdly, despite its "found-footage" approach, The Pyramid offers plenty of scenes that could've only come from a traditional film crew, rendering the entire "found-footage" technique moot.  If you can cut away from dimly lit shaky cam, why would you ever go back?  The thin characters don't help matters, nor does a climax that's halfway interesting with its depiction of... certain mythical figures, only to bone that up by never pushing that creature feature interest into something consistently demented.  There's even a cheap end-film Carrie shock.  If you're gonna resort to such boring cliches, why even bother sticking the action in such a cool-lookin' pyramid?

RATING: D+

14. Don't Blink

If you didn't see Fin, Vanishing on 7th Street, or Pulse, there might still be rewards tucked inside Don't Blink.  If you saw one of those films (especially Fin), Don't Blink comes across as a dull way to thin out a cast over the course of 100 minutes.  Ten friends meet up at a mountain getaway, and they encounter missing animals, bizarre temperature swings, and mysterious disappearances among their own party.  Writer/director Travis Oates uses smooth camera motion and effective composition - the disappearances of his characters rely on framing and misdirection, not cheap effects - but what the film lacks is any of the deeper thought of its ostensible inspirations (Serling, Sartre, Kafka).  A late-film monologue by the overacting Zack Ward (also a producer) tries to reposition the film as a meditation on the cruel attrition of life.  Nice try, movie.

RATING: C-

13. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones ties itself to the previous four micro-budget films in this hit series with a few cameos, but it's otherwise just another found-footage movie: all run-and-gun, the cameras rarely motivated, nondescript people shouting "What the fuck" after something what-the-fuck happens (in this film, usually someone falling from a tall height and smacking onto the ground).  Writer/director Michael Landon deserves credit for setting the film in a Hispanic community and flipping between English and Spanish without subtitles - this plays like a transparent effort to appeal to new demographics, but it also adds some semblance of a distinct identity, and lead actor Andrew Jacobs convinces as a good-hearted teenager transforming into something probably Evil and certainly Marked.

RATING: C-

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Now, onto the films that weren't bad but never crossed over into quality viewing...

12. Odd Thomas

Odd Thomas arrives courtesy of Dean Koontz, whose recent works feature a streak of cheeky self-satire.  E.g. this film's climax hinges on a conspiracy that doubles back on itself with a twist... then triples back on itself with another twist... and then, I shit you not, quadruples back on itself. The story, more squashed than streamlined, surrounds Odd (Anton Yelchin), who has the ability to both see ghosts and hone in on vital clues like a divining rod - an ingenious narrative cheat that lets him wander straight from plot point to plot point.  His supernatural do-goodery (catching murderers, etc.) incur the fury of invisible creatures called "bodachs;" they love watching human suffering like moms love Real Housewives.  The fast pace and relative imagination give Odd Thomas some energy, although the film belabors a predictable final-act reversal, going on and on and on until I couldn't take it anymore and started revealing vital state secrets.

RATING: C

11. All Cheerleaders Die

Magic gems bring teenage girls back to life in All Cheerleaders Die, and they're as hungry for revenge as they are for human flesh.  Revenge against who?  The properly-named Terry Stankus (Tom Williamson), the charming football captain resonsible for their collective death.  His blackness might have attentive viewers searching for Deep Social Themes, something co-director Lucky McKee enjoys teasing audiences with.  His assaultive The Woman might've been a rebuke of patriarchal society, but it also might've just been the impact of one specific asshole.  The story here, however, minimizes its thematic potential and proceeds as expected, with bodies piling up on both sides, with none of the girls matching the twitchy interest of McKee's prior heroines (especially Angela Bettis of May).  All Cheerleaders Die remakes McKee and Sivertson's debut picture, and it might take another remake to crack this premise.

RATING: C

10. Dracula Untold

Truth is, there's not much difference between the "let's make our classic monster into a tragic hero" stories of  I, Frankenstein and Dracula Untold... but while I, Frankenstein gets lost in its Matrix action and pat motivations, Dracula Untold presents Luke Evans' descent into vampirism as a series of impossible moral dilemmas.  Give over a son or see your people die.  Lose honorably or become a vampire and win.  Become a vampire permanently or risk your family dying.  Dracula Untold also tries to unify the history of Vlad Dracul with the Dracula story, and it isn't that the movie succeeds so much as it cares enough to try.  It's a shame that "trying" involves massive battles, overshot action, sanitized gore (this is a PG-13 film about an impaler), and that weird solemnity of contemporary action-fantasy, where the only way to communicate drama is by removing all traces of humor, joy, and wit.  When everyone's frowning and growling, no one is.

RATING: C

9. A Field in England

Brakhage, Jodorowsky, Parajanov.  Sound familiar?  If not, it may be best to skip A Field in England, Ben Wheatley's art picture that depicts its Medieval tale through surreal montage, tableaux vivants, musical numbers, and absolutely no sense of coherence.  Coming off comparatively traditional successes like Sightseers and Kill List, Wheatley and co-writer Amy Jump focus on five war castaways who search for hidden treasures in a mushroom-laden field.  The black and white photography is sumptuous, the performers commit (especially Michael Smiley as the hardcase leader), but the incoherence makes the film a frustrating moment-by-moment affair.  One scene has the heroes pulling on a rope tied to a post.  No prior scene of them finding a rope.  No following scene of what the pulling accomplished.  Things happen in this movie, and that's about it.

RATING: C

8. Horns

Horns is so close to being a good film.  Alexandre Aja luxuriates in the Northeastern woods, the forests awash in a haze of green and gold.  Daniel Radcliffe devours the role of Ig Perrish, a young man broken over the death of his girlfriend (Juno Temple) and recently booned with a pair of horns that inspire people to reveal their darkest secrets and desires.  Best of all, Horns thrills in the comedy of its premise, as when Ig's horns "inspire" a doctor to get high off his anesthetics and bang an equally eager nurse.  The broad comedy, however, stifles the murder-mystery melodrama, and the finale relies too much on supernatural special effects.  The biggest tragedy is that the film's surprise villain never gets the time to develop a convincing psychosis - his character is the worst victim of compressing the effective Joe Hill novel to feature length. This is a film with honorable, real pleasures, but Horns frustrates as much as it delights.

RATING: C+

7. Tusk

Is man truly a walrus at heart?  No.  Of course not.  That's dumb.  But what makes Tusk sort of work is how writer/director Kevin Smith commits to that question, communicated in-film by Howard Howe (Michael Parks), a demented backwoods Canadian.  He lures podcast journalist Wallace (Justin Long) to his manor for tales of the sea... then drugs the poor sap, cuts off his leg, and enacts a surgical plan that'd make Josef Mengele cheer.  The early scenes between Parks and Long carry some of the same tension of Misery, Long's insouciance giving way to teary-eyed terror, Parks wearing a perpetually knowing smile.  Less successful is an overwritten detective character who helps Wallace's friends search for him.  The detective (played by a Hollywood star indulging his own aloof mannerisms) acts with a layer of artifice that impedes the film's sincere dedication to its kooky, stupid premise.

RATING: C+

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Now, onto the films I enjoyed...

6. The Taking of Deborah Logan

Deborah Logan (Jill Larson) is a kindly old woman suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers.  Which might make her a prime candidate for demon possession.  If such a thing exists.  Which it does.  Featuring one of those breadcrumbed mysteries that kicks in halfway through, The Taking of Deborah Logan works best in its first half, when all that matters is Deborah's eccentricity.  Her outbursts.  Her walks at night.  Linking this to Alzheimers is a clever way to suggest Deborah's behavioral lapses might just be a side-effect of her disease, but the film dispenses with that tension quickly, opting instead for a familiar escalation of possession horrors - which makes the treatment of Alzheimers feel a bit arbitrary and exploitative.  Even with those disappointing developments, the film works, in large part because Jill Larson delivers such a stunning, fearless, physical performance.  She's one of the most engaging characters in horror this year.

RATING: B-

5. The Sacrament

Ti West, genre-famous for eerie Gothic flicks like The House of the Devil and The Innkeepers, tries his hand at this whole "found-footage" business with The Sacrament, a dark thriller that sticks cameras in a religious community called Eden Parish.  Drawing on the same cult-phobic story beats of Red State and VHS 2 segment "Safe Haven," West delivers the story with his usual confidence in provoking suspense (the final 30 minutes of this film hum on a steady engine of imminent death), and the character work from Amy Siemetz and Gene Jones as disciple and preacher convinces in a very icky way.  The bummer is that West is content to offer the "how" of Jonestown but not the "why."  Why simply depict Jonestown?  Why not ditch the dull leads for people on the inside, people psychologically struggling?  After all, the most horrifying thing about a cult isn't the threat of violence - it's the buried possibility it might appeal to you.

RATING: B-

4. At the Devil's Door

The Pact director Nicolas McCarthy thrives in withholding, in pausing, in letting scenes exist past their purpose until the lack of anything happening becomes more dreadful than the demons hiding in the silence.  At the Devil's Door continues this interest, although the backing music sometimes overemphasizes events (e.g. tremulous strings needlessly punctuate a moment of possession).  Thankfully, McCarthy insinuates more than he overstates, and At the Devil's Door finds a strength in its uncommon structure: the film takes its time finding a protagonist, critical moments happen sooner than expected, and a coulda-been-tasteless finale involving child endangerment stays on the right side of uneasy.  The film's hints of an approaching Armageddon, however, feel more obligatory than threatening - At the Devil's Door works best when it's a quiet, intimate study of women in turmoil.

RATING: B-

[3.5. Godzilla]

(note: image from Mojave995's imgur collection)

Gareth Edwards, better than any director since Spielberg, knows how to communicate the suspense and release of genuine awe.  By treating Godzilla (and the insectile "Mutos") like the shark in Jaws, Edwards builds anticipation for a creature we've all seen before, and goddamnit, it works.  One sequence finally reveals Godzilla at full height.  He roars, ready to throw down.  Then Edwards cuts to a tinny TV monitor displaying "highlights" of the fight we're denied.  It's contrived and knowing and effective.  The human story starts strong and falters in later acts, but, good Lord, the sense of scale here.  In the finale's "halo jump," soldiers skydive into a crumbling, dusted-over San Francisco.  As they plummet, angelic choirs quaver on the soundtrack, and Godzilla emerges into view, far too large, the film's field of vision incapable of holding his size.  A jaw.  An alligator belly.  An arm.  This son of a bitch could punch out Cthulhu.

RATING: B

3. Only Lovers Left Alive

Given its story idea of vampire lovers relaxing in Detroit, it's a nice surprise that Only Lovers Left Alive ends up a movie more in love with rock and roll disaffectation than the usual bloodsuckery. Here, two vampires (Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston) reunite after years apart, living in an apartment stacked with vintage guitars, makeshift amps, and a freezer holding a few blood popsicles. They mutter about the "zombie" humans all around them but revere hipster idols like Nikola Tesla and Jack White. Most of the time, they stand together in positions that maximize their coolness. Truth be told, they look cool. What story there is accelerates from stasis to a slow shuffle with the arrival of impertinent Eva (Mia Wasiowska), but even after she disrupts the moody whisperings with some straightforward bloodletting, the film remains staunchly opposed to high excitement. This is a vampire film for people so totally over vampire films.

RATING: B

2. Oculus

The mirror features an ornate black frame.  There's a crack in the bottom right.  It's over 100 years old.  Do not look in the mirror.  But look into it people do, and Oculus focuses on a family of four destroyed by the damned thing.  In the past, Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackhoff get too close to the mirror and drag their children into an abyss of paranoia and insanity.  In the present, now-adult Kaylie (Karen Gillan) and Tim (Brenton Thwaites) head home for a reckoning with the object that tore their family apart.  Director Mike Flanagan delights in the mirror's ability to confuse perception, and this plays into the climax: Kaylie and Tim walk past their young selves and see their parents, still alive.  Only the mirror's overpowering supernatural ability hurts the film - the deck's stacked against them, even with Kaylie's high-tech safeguards.  Then again, when was the last time a Hollywood horror film was so heartbreaking and fatalistic?

RATING: B+

[1.5. The Boxtrolls]

(note: image from The Agony Booth's review)

This is even more tenuous an inclusion than Godzilla, but seriously, is there a company pumping out better monster stories than Laika?  These stop-motion wizards also produced offbeat morbid kid flicks like Coraline and Paranorman, and The Boxtrolls offer a fantasy town with steampunk touches, populated by characters of lovable grotesquerie: villain Archibald Snatcher (Ben Kingsley) resembles a pear on stilts, and the titular boxtrolls have the same squat bodies and curious eyes of E. T. and Gizmo the Mogwai.  When they get scared, they duck inside their boxes and shiver, rattling the cardboard, and this is never not adorable.  Meanwhile, the story satirizes the allure of wealth (disguised here as cheese) and prestige (disguised as a stiff white hat).  Laika's movies skip the Pixar/Dreamworks ethos and gun for the attitude of more disturbing, provocative dreamweavers like Lewis Carroll, Roald Dahl, and the Brothers Grimm.

RATING: B+

[1.25 Under the Skin]

In some ways a descendant and an inverse of John Sayles The Brother From Another Planet, Under the Skin follows an otherworldly protagonist (Scarlett Johannson) as she drives through the streets of Scotland in a big white van and seduces the local boys with a clinical lack of expression - when she drops trou, it's like watching a store mannequin disrobe.  What happens next is hardto explain: director John Glazer communicates her seduction with images of large black rooms and boundless liquid pools and a conveyor belt loaded with runny red meat.  Do these images exist in reality?  Are they representational?  Suffice to say, no one's gonna bring the boys back home.  There's a classic slasher hook to this story, although the twist is that Johannson's inhuman urges slowly give way to glimmers of empathy - but it may be too little, too late.

RATING: B+

1. The Babadook

This is writer/director Jennifer Kent's first feature, and it's a joy watching the claustrophobia, the control of mood, the command of story - how the characters direct events with their escalating grief and fury, rather than the plot pushing them around with some sort of complex ghost mythology.  All the exposition is handled in an early flashback and in a pop-up book that looks like Maurice Sendak's nightmares  For the rest of the film, it's on actors Essie Davis and Noah Wiseman to match the immaculate craft.  Spoiler: they do.  The Babadook isn't a spook-a-blast roller coaster (although the scares work without fail), and it isn't much fun (although its dark whimsy inspires sour smiles).  What The Babadook gives the viewer is an experience found in similar films like The Innocents and Repulsion, where environments oppress and suffocate, where spectral sights pull anxieties out of the subconscious and stuff them in once-familiar shadows.

RATING: A-